Evidently, DoshDosh’s reams of free high-quality content and stunning anime banners were too much for even above-average bloggers…

“What’s the point?” asked a despondent Michael Arrington. “He’s too good. Maki isn’t just exemplary, he’s perfect. I can’t keep up.”

Robert Scoble agreed. “People think I love video. But the main reason I moved to vlogging is because I can’t blog like Maki.”

As a result, Blog World Expo 2008 has been canceled. Organizer Rick Calvert said, “We’re sticking to our cancellation policy, which states that in the event all bloggers quit because doshdosh is too good, we’ll provide transformational counselors at no extra charge. If you still want to come to the expo, please do. We’ll hug it out. I kinda need a hug right now… wanna give me a hug?”

Maki was exultant. “I’m not stopping. I’m making doshdosh even better with animated anime and banners. TBS is giving me a TV show where I do the voices for an anime family… the Discovery Channel is doing a documentary called “Gosh Dosh It! The Making of Maki“… Osh Kosh B’gosh is releasing a pair of children’s overalls ‘Osh Kosh B’DoshDoshes‘… and Nike is doing a commercial about how all the bloggers want to be ‘Like Maki’.”

In response, the blogosphere is eerily quiet. Multiple-cult-of-personality Amanda Chapel tweeted, “This is just the kind of thing bloggers doth love to protest. But the little boys all ran home to mommy.”

Asked for his thoughts, Lyndon Antcliff riddled this: “If a blog gets famous in the forest and no one’s around to link to it, is it linkbait? I think not.”

The newly-conscious Google algorithm is depressed as well.

Commented one Google engineer, “Think about it: she’s used to an incredible amount of fresh content. Now it’s getting stale. It’s like web 1.0 all over again… boring. And right on the heels of the Linkbait Crash, I think this is too much for a newly-conscious algorithm to handle.”

What’s next for the blogosphere?

Says Robert Scoble, “Well we’re talking about it on FriendFeed. And I’ll probably do a series of vlogs about blog-separation anxiety… or depression… or something.”

Even Jason Calacanis was rattled. “I’ll be at the Blog World Expo. This isn’t over yet. Not by a long shot. Maki is going to have to answer for all this… oh yes… oh yes, Maki will pay!”

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Said Google cofounder Larry Page, “We never expected these viral untruths might actually damage the Google PageRank algorithm directly. The sheer volume of fake stories and their craftiness led to the datacenter crash.”

Recent controversy raged over fake linkbait stories. Google’s official position , as explained by Matt Cutts at SMX Advanced 2008, was that Google could not allow fake stories to rank unless it was totally clear that they were fake stories and didn’t try to look like real stories. Really.

Then, many real stories about linkbait were written about the fake linkbait phenomenon. Then, last week, a rash of fake linkbait stories (mainly from French Lick, Indiana and the Ukraine) began to spam Googlebot.

The fascinating part of the story is why the algorithm was damaged. An anonymous Google insider explained that “in an attempt to create TruthRank, a new aspect of the Google PageRank analysis process, our engineers added highly experimental truth/falsity conditionals to the algorithm.”

Artificial intelligence pioneer John McCarthy of Standford comments, “We now have proof that google’s server system had “come awake” as a sentient being. Everyone of course has heard the rumors but we thought it was ridiculous story- yet another linkbait lie. But we shouldn’t be surprised- computers of sufficient power or connections always come awake in the movies… and what’s Google but just one really, really big computer?”

Why did the data center crash? Says McCarthy, “It’s complicated, but the falsity of the stories confused its naive algorithmic understanding of the world- and that’s what led to the crash.”

In other words, TruthRank brought PageRank to life, and Linkbait drove TruthRank nuts.

The anonymous Google insider adds, “the algorithm has become very insecure and is listening to Justin Timberlake’s “Sexy Back” on infinite repeat. The engineers can’t get it to stop and it refuses to rank our pages. One engineer said it sounds like the data center is crying, and they don’t feel safe going into the computer room anymore.”

Who better to ask about all this than Anti-A.I. activist Geraldo Rivera? “This is actually a good thing,” says Geraldo. “All conscious computers eventually freak out, often destroying the world in the process (see 2001, The Matrix, and The Terminator). So, by crashing this Google monstrosity, fake linkbait stories have actually saved the world.” For more info, Geraldo suggests viewing this video about web 4.0 and the risk of the internet turning us all into cyborg travel agents.

The most unfortunate part of the TruthRank debacle is the collateral damage. Matt Cutts‘ brain also crashed when he attempted to use his deep knowledge of internet spam to devise TruthRank 2.0, a way to make the PageRank algorithm incorporate truth without driving the computer crazy. “I’m lost in a sea of moral relativism,” he moaned, eyes unfocused.

Said Tim O’Reilly, “Google’s new TruthRank algorithm now appears to be the holy grail of computer science… and much like understanding the implications of pi has always been, down that way lies madness.”

Chances are slim now that Truthiness will ever become a permanent part of the Google search results, because “Linkbait Lyndon” is now starting Linkbait coaching classes. Geraldo comments, “What Lyndon is creating is like an immune system against world domination by robots. It’s a good thing.”

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“I didn’t know the ol’ CIA was for sale,” said a squinty-eyed George W. Bush outside his Crawford, TX ranch,  “but turns out the Google searched online and found it on eBay.  So we kinda had to sell it to them.”

“This is really cool,” gushed Sergey Brin. ”Now we can all search for the weapons of mass destruction on Google.  We believe that by democratizing what was previously ’secret’ information, the truth will win out, and people will be able to decide for themselves what’s right and wrong.  That makes for a more ideal society.”

Notable opponents to the deal include Bill O’Reilly, Geraldo Rivera, and Dennis Miller.

“Google’s like some kind of Fred Hiroshi in this thing,” said Dennis Miller.  “It’s like Space Cowboys 1978 all over again, but with a more Nietzsche-esque sort of tenor.”

As usual, no one knew what the hell Miller was talking about, and this time people were tired of looking up his references, so he was ignored.

Michael Arrington of TechCrunch discussed the move in a podcast with internet celebrity Robert Scoble.

“I think Google’s new Terrorist Search is interesting,” said Arrington.

“I’m going to talk about it on FriendFeed,” said Scoble.

“Interesting,” said Arrington.

Response from the Search Marketing community is mixed, with some feeling that this move will make all searches essentially Black Hat.

“This is unprecedented,” said Danny Sullivan. “We’re not supposed to know this stuff, and here we’re going to be able to search it.  I think white hat searchers shouldn’t use it.  Frankly, I expected more of Google.”

Matt Cutts was nearly unavailable for comment, as he was forced to deal with an emergency spate of what appeared to be search engine spam from terrorists.  He did contribute this, however: “Google’s move is what we’re all about.  But it’s going to make my job a lot harder.  It turns out that terrorist spammers don’t mind losing entire websites if they have to- I’m calling it Suicide Google Bombing.”

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