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Mountain View, CA - Google’s primary data center crashed yesterday. What’s to blame? Linkbait.

Said Google cofounder Larry Page, “We never expected these viral untruths might actually damage the Google PageRank algorithm directly. The sheer volume of fake stories and their craftiness led to the datacenter crash.”

Recent controversy raged over fake linkbait stories. Google’s official position , as explained by Matt Cutts at SMX Advanced 2008, was that Google could not allow fake stories to rank unless it was totally clear that they were fake stories and didn’t try to look like real stories. Really.

Then, many real stories about linkbait were written about the fake linkbait phenomenon. Then, last week, a rash of fake linkbait stories (mainly from French Lick, Indiana and the Ukraine) began to spam Googlebot.

The fascinating part of the story is why the algorithm was damaged. An anonymous Google insider explained that “in an attempt to create TruthRank, a new aspect of the Google PageRank analysis process, our engineers added highly experimental truth/falsity conditionals to the algorithm.”

Artificial intelligence pioneer John McCarthy of Standford comments, “We now have proof that google’s server system had “come awake” as a sentient being. Everyone of course has heard the rumors but we thought it was ridiculous story- yet another linkbait lie. But we shouldn’t be surprised- computers of sufficient power or connections always come awake in the movies… and what’s Google but just one really, really big computer?”

Why did the data center crash? Says McCarthy, “It’s complicated, but the falsity of the stories confused its naive algorithmic understanding of the world- and that’s what led to the crash.”

In other words, TruthRank brought PageRank to life, and Linkbait drove TruthRank nuts.

The anonymous Google insider adds, “the algorithm has become very insecure and is listening to Justin Timberlake’s “Sexy Back” on infinite repeat. The engineers can’t get it to stop and it refuses to rank our pages. One engineer said it sounds like the data center is crying, and they don’t feel safe going into the computer room anymore.”

Who better to ask about all this than Anti-A.I. activist Geraldo Rivera? “This is actually a good thing,” says Geraldo. “All conscious computers eventually freak out, often destroying the world in the process (see 2001, The Matrix, and The Terminator). So, by crashing this Google monstrosity, fake linkbait stories have actually saved the world.” For more info, Geraldo suggests viewing this video about web 4.0 and the risk of the internet turning us all into cyborg travel agents.

The most unfortunate part of the TruthRank debacle is the collateral damage. Matt Cutts‘ brain also crashed when he attempted to use his deep knowledge of internet spam to devise TruthRank 2.0, a way to make the PageRank algorithm incorporate truth without driving the computer crazy. “I’m lost in a sea of moral relativism,” he moaned, eyes unfocused.

Said Tim O’Reilly, “Google’s new TruthRank algorithm now appears to be the holy grail of computer science… and much like understanding the implications of pi has always been, down that way lies madness.”

Chances are slim now that Truthiness will ever become a permanent part of the Google search results, because “Linkbait Lyndon” is now starting Linkbait coaching classes. Geraldo comments, “What Lyndon is creating is like an immune system against world domination by robots. It’s a good thing.”